Back In The Saddle

This past weekend I got the opportunity to return to Burundi.  I am here for three weeks to help out with teaching and also to help Jason with a few more complicated surgeries.  My route here took me through Dubai on Emirates.  It was a very comfortable flight.  It is  my hope that by mentioning how comfortable this Emirates flight was, that they will somehow stumble across this blog post and be so flattered that they will upgrade me to business class on the way home (Emirates ... are you listening?).

At the airport I was greeted by Caleb Fader (Jason’s brother and our newest Kibuye team member and engineer) and my friend George Watts (PhD in business, teaching at the Hope Africa University campus in Bujumbura).  It was great to catch up with them, their wives (Krista and Susan) as well as Randy and Carolyn Bond before heading up to Kibuye Saturday afternoon.  

It has been great to be back here, to see the team again and to see the progress being made at the hospital.  Monday we did 5 cases in the OR.  For any of my nerdy anesthesia friends reading who might be curious, Jason performed the following surgeries:

• inguinal hernia repair on a 2 year old (under Ketamine)
• palmar cyst removal (under axillary block)
• epigastric hernia (also ketamine)
• intramedullary nailing of a femur fracture (under spinal) - yep, without intra-operative X ray
• urethroplasty (under spinal)

We do have a handful of cases lined up while I am here that will require general endotracheal anesthesia, and thankfully we have a few full cylinders of oxygen!

This morning, before morning report, I went for a 4 mile run with Jason, Caleb and Joel Miller.  We ran on paths I had never explored during our previous time here which were beautiful.  We were greeted at every turn by Burundian women with hoes over their shoulders and children with notebooks in hand for school, often staring at me, sometimes laughing, probably wondering why that pasty muzungu in the back is having so much trouble breathing.  

Today, I was asked to sit on a board of 3 physicians for the thesis defense of one of the graduating medical students.  I was chosen for this because I am a specialist ... and because I have a pulse.  This was my first thesis defense, but I am told there will be many more in my future.  The student presented his research on Burn Injuries at Kibuye hospital, a very common problem all over Africa due to cooking methods using open fires around small children (no, that is not some sort of advocacy for all you helicopter parents out there).

I am excited to see what the next 3 weeks will bring.  As much as the pace of life here is slower than that in the US, it is never boring.  Although to be honest, I actually enjoy boring once in a while.  

Jason and Joel in our seats of judgement

A selfie of me with the church and hospital in the background ... and a chicken

The Monster Inside of Me

Lately I have been thinking a lot about money, probably too much.  I suspect this preoccupation has been triggered by the large pay cut I am about to get as we transition to becoming missionaries.  

It has come to my attention that money is very important to people (that’s right captain obvious).  However, it is not the money itself that I think reveals so much about us as people, but rather what we do with that money, why it gives us so much satisfaction, and why we spend so much energy laboring for it, and then worrying about it once we get it.  

Tim Keller once asked the following question: Five people are sitting around a table drinking wine.  How do you tell which one is the alcoholic?  The answer is, it is not the one who drinks the most wine.  No, you take the wine away from them and see which one starts to melt down.  Which one becomes angry and agitated?  That is the alcoholic. 

It is the same with money.  I think most of us have come to believe the lie that money will make us happy.  For some of us, it is what we can buy with that money.  For some of us, it is the security (or rather, the false security) that money gives us.  For some of us, it is the feeling of superiority that having a larger bank account than our neighbor, gives us.  But if you want to find out what someone’s heart is truly set upon, take that money away … and watch them squirm.

We saw this most tragically when the stock market crashed in 2008.   One study in the British Medical Journal suggested that the money lost in this crash resulted in approximately 5,000 suicides.  I suspect the emotional impact on many families was much more wide spread.  There is a monster living inside us.  Most of us do not even know that he is there.  But he is there, and he is eating away at our souls.  

You might think that since I am giving up the “American anesthesiologist lifestyle” and the salary that accompanies it, I am immune from this idolatry.  I am not.  I have spent far too much time “counting the cost” of what we are going to do.  Now, I know, with my head, that more money will not give us satisfaction in this life.  I know this in my head, but yet the monster inside me continues to wage war in my heart.  

It has been said that Jesus talked more about money than about heaven and hell combined.  He did this not because money was so important to Him, but because He understood the destructive effect it has upon us (even 2000 years ago).  And He talked about it because He loves us, and He wants us to let go of this clenched grip that we have on money before it destroys us completely.  God Himself gave up the riches of heaven, and entered into the poverty and filth of life among us, so that by His substitutionary atonement for our sins, we might be made rich, forever.  It is my hope in this alone which will ultimately defeat the monster.

For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you by His poverty you might become rich. - 2 Corinthians 8:9 

Intern Graduation

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

-Mumford and Sons

Last week was a pivotal week for our family.  Stephanie and I travelled to Philadelphia to the headquarters of Serge, the mission agency we have applied to for support in returning to Burundi.  The first two days were spent being interviewed and assessed. Wednesday morning, we were escorted on a tour of historic Philadelphia while the leadership team from Serge had a conference call with our team leaders in Burundi as well as the East Africa regional leaders to decide our fate.  Wednesday afternoon we were brought back to the office where we were told we had in fact been invited to join the Burundi Serge team as long-term missionaries.  

The lyrics above are from a song called The Cave by Mumford and Sons.  Somehow these lyrics worked their way into my head last week and seemed to summarize with great precision how Steph and I felt.  To be honest, I am not sure exactly what this song is about.  I am pretty sure that Mumford and Sons did not write this song about long term medical mission work.  But nonetheless, this is how we feel.  We feel like we NEED to be tied to a post, because despite the certainty that we feel regarding our calling, this is hard, and our flesh cries out “don’t do it!”.  The tears are shed in part because of our concern for the people of Burundi, but in this moment we are mostly just sad to leave the life we have come to love in Bellingham.  We know our call, we believe that God has prepared a place for our family in Burundi, and He has done this not because of our abilities or our strength, but DESPITE our faults and despite our fears. 

So, now, we move on to the next stage of our journey, support raising.  We cannot return to this work without significant, monthly support from people willing to partner with us to improve healthcare in Burundi.   And so, in the coming weeks and months we will be having conversations with many people asking for help.  Not an easy thing for us to do.  Our hope is that by next summer we will have raised the support we need to begin language training, then return to Burundi, to live, to teach, to learn, and to see how God will use us, despite our faults and fears.  

Our time in Philadelphia was wonderful.  We went through this assessment with 9 other people, applying to work on 4 different continents.  We were greatly blessed to get to know them as well as the team of people working at Serge headquarters and the Serge leadership team.  We left Philly with tremendous confidence in this organization and we truly believe that they will do everything in their power to care for us and to love and serve us well in the coming years.  

As for the title of this blog post, you may remember that during our previous 9 months in Burundi, my official title was “Intern”.  John Cropsey, our team leader, derived great joy from reminding me daily, often hourly, that I was “the intern”.  Well, now that Serge has approved us, I am pleased to report that I am no longer an intern.  I am told that this transition in my position has left John in a state of despair, as he now has no one left to boss around.  So, for anyone interested, the position of intern is now open and seeking the right whipping boy to fill these size 9 shoes.  

Surrender

I have been thinking this week a lot about faith.  Faith is still in many ways to me a mystery, but God is revealing to me slowly, and sometimes painfully, what it means to live a life of faith.

Our family has decided to move forward with plans to return to Burundi "long-term", (eg. a 5 year commitment).  What does that mean?  That means we apply to the missionary agency which supports our team in Kibuye (Serge).  In September, Stephanie and I fly to Philadelphia to be assessed regarding our fitness to serve "long-term".  And if Serge believes we are "long-term" material, they will help us prepare to spend the next several months raising support, for our income, our travel expenses, our health insurance, and anything other expense that one might encounter in Burundi.  If we are able to raise the support we need, then next summer our family will go to Colorado for a month to the Missionary Training Institute, where we will receive further training and preparation for "long-term" service.  Then at the end of August we will move to France for 6 months .... to learn French.  Then .... Burundi.

I will confess that this decision is a painful one for me.  To be honest, I like working in a hospital with oxygen and running water and patients who speaks English.  I like living close to my parents.  I like spending time with my friends here.  I like the church we are a part of.  I like drinking straight from the faucet!

But we cannot deny that God's hand led us to Kibuye Burundi, and that He has prepared a place for us among the team that is serving there.  We love the team at Kibuye.  We love the country.  Our family in so many ways thrived during our 9 months serving there.  So why is this so hard?  Why is this such a struggle for me? 

I am starting to understand that struggle (of any sort) give us the opportunity to surrender to God. And I believe it is this surrender which prepares our hearts to truly trust in God.  Struggle gives way to surrender and surrender gives way to faith and faith opens the door for God to work in us and through us, according to His perfect and gracious will.

There are still many steps to take before we return to Burundi.  There are many ways that God could close this door.  And so, we surrender even this, the certainty of our future, to Him. 

We will keep you posted as things progress and would ask that you, our family and friends pray for us, to surrender, to have faith, and for His plans to be done.  His plan is much better than ours.

In the beginning

Today is a very important day in Burundi.  Today is election day in Burundi.  Today is a day that has caused much fear and anxiety, as well as much strife and violence for the people of Burundi.  Although no one doubts that the current president will win this election, what people fear is what this will trigger over the next few days and weeks.  The blog below is one I wrote five years ago, to begin my series called the "History of Redemption".  As I re-read this, I can't help but consider how drastically different life would be in Burundi today if people understood and believed these words, that "In the beginning, God created ...".  If we really understood the implications of these words, we would all be led to a posture of humility and gratefulness, with hearts of surrender to God.  There would be no war, no fighting.  There would be peace.  Today, as we who love Burundi are praying for peace, we would ask those of you who pray, to pray with us, for peace.

Blog post for Genesis 1:1-2

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.”

How often do I meditate on God as creator of heaven and earth?  How often do I ponder the enormous implications of these first words of scripture?  How often do I tremble beneath the weight of this truth, that every heartbeat, every breath, every step is only because God created the heavens and the earth?  How often do I thank God for creating man in His own image?  How often do I worship God and give glory to Him because He is the creator of ALL things?

We live in a society that tells us that maybe God exists, but He certainly did not create the heavens and the earth.  Yet here we have these words, in this book, which has proven trustworthy and true time and time again telling us that this is a lie.  I am reminded of Paul’s words to us in Romans, “For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.  Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.” - Romans 1: 21-23.  How often do I mourn for lost and broken sinners whose hearts are darkened?  How often do I mourn for our society that does not recognize God as creator of the heavens and the earth?  How often am I jealous for God to receive the honor He deserves?

How often am I anxious because I have forgotten that God who created all things is sovereign over all He created?  He is sovereign over Seattle and He is sovereign over Sudan, and He is sovereign over everything in between because He created the heavens and the earth.  How often do I forget that God sits enthroned as king forever?

These first words in Genesis spoken to us BY GOD (see 2 Timothy 3:16) tell us volumes about the attributes of God.  He is sovereign, He is omnipresent, He is eternal, He is mighty, He is light, He is spirit, He is creative!  How often do I meditate on the attributes of God?  How often do I think about the creativity I see expressed in art and music and literature and recognize those gifts as a dim reflection of that awesome creativity of God who created ALL things? 

In the beginning ... God.  Not, in the beginning .... me.  What a wonderful reminder that this is His story, not mine.  God is the author, God is the producer, God is the hero.  Yes, we are invited into this story, but let us never forget that it is His story.  Let my reading of scripture always be through that lens.  This is God’s story.

And how quickly I forget that this same Spirit of God which in the beginning was hovering over the face of the waters, now lives and moves inside me?  This living Spirit was poured out into each of us who has believed in Jesus Christ.  This mysterious Spirit of God is the very essence of the Christian life, quickening our affections for Jesus Christ, God’s Son, and guiding and instructing us day by day.  And this same Spirit was there, at the very beginning of all creation!

Today, I sit at this computer and write these words because “In the beginning God created”.  You woke up this morning and got out of bed because “In the beginning God created”.  We go to our jobs, and care for our children, and dream and plan and laugh and cry because “In the beginning God created”.  The breath you just took which sustains you even now, you took because “In the beginning God created”.  

These are weighty words, because without them, nothing would follow. Nothing.  Ponder these words daily, “In the beginning”, meditate on them, worship God the creator who speaks them and who fulfills them, the God who acts and who saves, the God who sits enthroned over every square inch of His creation, and as He looks upon it He declares “MINE”.  

God created the heavens and the earth.  He filled the void and gave form to the earth.  He brought light out of darkness.  He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  He did all this to bring glory to Himself, because He is the only one who is worthy to be glorified.  And we were created to worship Him.  Let us today humbly bow before our Creator, with much fear and trembling and awe.  

His Name Was Ronnie

We are very grateful for all those who have been reading and following our blog, and we don't want to stop blogging just because we have returned from our 9 months in Burundi.  We do plan to continue to post updates on our lives and our future plans in the coming months, but in the meantime, it feels like we should be posting something, anything.  So, what does one write about after returning to life the US after 9 months in Africa?  Perhaps one resurrects blog posts from years past!

Those of you who are not a part of our local church in Bellingham may be unaware that I used to blog quite frequently for our church.  A few years ago I did a weekly series of blog posts called The History of Redemption.   I decided that I would try to pull up a few of these and re-post them here.  But to start with, I thought I would re-post a blog I wrote which gives a bit of background and explanation as to how this blog series came to be.

His Name Was Ronnie

Although I never met Ronnie, although he was not famous, although we lived thousands of miles apart, he had a significant impact on my life and my faith, and I felt compelled to write a few words about him.  Back in 2010 I saw a video of a sermon preached by a young man from an Acts 29 church in Texas.  It was not your typical sermon, but was rather a series of 47 portions of scripture put together, memorized and recited before the church by a man named Ronnie Smith.  Something about watching this 28 minute video moved me deeply.  I saw in what Ronnie had done, something genuinely beautiful.  And when you experience something you believe to be genuinely beautiful, you cannot help but to share it with others.

And so, I committed myself to memorizing this work, which Ronnie called “The History of Redemption”.  I must have watched this video 50 or 60 times.  And I must have talked about it so much, that pastor Rob eventually asked me to write a weekly blog post on each of these 47 sections of scripture for our church.  And so, over the course of 2011, that is what I did.  I invested countless hours in reading, listening to, memorizing and writing, all catalyzed by what Ronnie had done.  He was a young man, about my age, and I knew nothing else about him, except that he was a faithful servant of Christ who was a part of a church in Texas.  

Last week, Ronnie was murdered in Benghazi, Libya.  He was living there with his wife and young son, and was working as a chemistry teacher at the international school, and he was shot dead while jogging.  I believe that God called Ronnie and his wife to move to Benghazi, one of the most violent and broken cities on this planet, because He (God) loves those people.  And Ronnie and his wife went because they had been filled with a hope that extends into eternity and they desired to share this hope with those who have no hope.  Although I never met Ronnie, and I still know very little about him, I am quite sure that he understood the very real possibility of facing death in a place such as this.  And still he went, to love and to serve the people of Libya and to love and serve his God and Savior.  Ronnie paid the ultimate price for his obedience to Christ, and I am confident that in the moments following his death, he heard the voice of God Himself gently whispering in his ear, “well done, good and faithful servant”.

Although today we are saddened and grieve the loss of Ronnie, his life was not wasted.  And today, be sure of this, that Ronnie is not sad.  

I praise God for Ronnie’s life.  His was a life lived with absolute direction and purpose for the glory of God.   And as we have brothers and sisters in our church preparing to move to the Middle East, motivated by the same love that motivated Ronnie, this is a painful reminder to me, to not only encourage them and support them and pray for their fruitfulness, but also to pray for their safety, to pray daily, to pray without ceasing.  It is also a reminder to me that ultimately our hope is not in the length of our days or what we accomplish, but in a God who can and will use our lives to bring glory to Himself.  For He can use all things for good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose.  Ronnie’s life was a testimony to his love for God, and now our prayer is that God would use his death as a catalyst for the forwarding of the Gospel and the hope to which we cling.  This is a worthy cause.  There is no greater cause.  

Below is a link to the video of Ronnie preaching “The History of Redemption”:

http://vimeo.com/17577695

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” - Psalm 116:15

Re-entry

Throughout our time in Burundi we heard other missionaries speak of how difficult it was to return home to the U.S. after living in rural Africa.  Some call this “re-entry” or “reverse culture shock”.  So, I thought I would write a brief update on how our re-entry is going, for anyone who may still be checking in with this blog.

We have now been home for 10 days, and I will admit that there are certainly challenges with returning to our pre-Burundi lives.  The first challenge was getting over the physical side of re-entry, including jet lag, change of diet, etc.  But as our bodies now seem to be better adjusted to the time difference as well as all the processed foods we cannot seem to avoid here, now we are left with the emotional challenges.  

I had heard missionaries talk about how hard it was to come back to a country with so much convenience, only to hear those around them complain incessantly.  What I have rather found is that it is ME who I find complaining.   As an example, we moved back into our house last Monday, and Stephanie called a local provider to sign us up for internet.  After five days, and three phone calls back to this company, we still did not have internet.  Somehow this frustrated me to no end, and somehow I seem to have forgotten that we spent the past 9 months in a home without internet, and often without electricity.  Yet in Burundi I just accepted it as part of life.

For me, the hardest part of re-entry has been this feeling of unsettled-ness.  As much as I love Bellingham, somehow it feels less like my home than it did before we went to Burundi.  To be honest, I can’t figure out where my home is anymore. I long for a sense of feeling settled, of feeling like I am finally home.  And in my 41 years of life, so far, I can’t seem to find it.  

Last year I was talking to another missionary who told me that she struggled with this same feeling.  And after much prayer, she felt God telling her that she would not find her home until she found her home in Him.  When she said this, the following quote from C.S. Lewis came to my mind:

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”

We have been welcomed back to Bellingham with so much love by our family, our friends, our church, my co-workers, and we are so grateful for this community.  But in the end, I believe, we were not made for this world, but for another.  And so, until we reach that home, we remain unsettled.